Motherhood and my Own Identity

Before I was a mom, I was just a girl. A girl wanting to do so many things. I wanted to travel and see the world and all the cultures it has to offer. I wanted to make a difference in the world. I did not want to live my life feeling I haven’t accomplished my dreams.

What are my dreams? I struggle with this even now. Honestly, one of my only dreams was becoming a mom. I am so lucky that I had the chance to experience carrying and giving birth to my own child that my husband and I made. MADE! The whole experience of having children still gets to me. Just to think 4 years ago it was just the 2 of us, now it is 4! But now that I have become a mom, I think to myself, is that it? Is that all I will bring to this world? Yes, of course raising 2 amazing boys is such a blessing and feat in itself, but is there more out there?

I have the most trouble when people ask me what I do. Of course I say I am a SAHM, and usually casually throw in there that I run my own business. Is it weird that I need that gratification of being more than just a SAHM? I know other SAHM can agree, it is by far the hardest job we have ever had. Why do I feel like I need more? Maybe I just want to be defined by something else. Defined my creativity, drive and independence. I am overwhelmed by all the things I want to do in my life. I am afraid to make a list, as I know I will just disappoint myself if I don’t accomplish them. I don’t want to just live life and survive. I want to THRIVE! I want to stay up late with so many ideas in my head I can’t sleep. I want to be excited for the coming days and weeks to see how much I can get accomplished.

But then I need to bring myself down. What about my family? My husband and my kids. Our friends. Is it worth sacrificing? How do we find a balance between it all?

I have recently started watching the new Netflix series Working Moms. So much of that show is incredibly spot on. Even though I’m not a typical working mom, it still touches on what it’s like to be in both situations. I honestly believe that both choices are equally hard. Being a mom or parent in general is hard.

So I guess I’m just trying to find that sweet solution to having it all. But first I gotta put away the pile of laundry that’s been sitting all weekend.

 

Image by Tucson wedding photographers Chris Richards Photography

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